Sunday, September 27, 2009


“So close, you’ll never let me go.”

“Time is in your hands, the beginning and the end.”

The day it was confirmed that my son has post-traumatic stress disorder because of sexual and emotional trauma that happened to him over the past 7 years, my heart began to break all over again and my spirit ached and the thought of all that he had been through made me want to vomit. The next day, I attended worship at church. I sat and listened, prayed and sang along. I talked to God very bluntly and honestly from my heart. I only blamed Satan for my son’s injustices, but I still needed to ask God a few hard questions.

Why God didn’t you protect my son? Why did he have to suffer even to this day? I know you know how it feels because you watched your son being tortured and killed. You had the power to stop it, but you didn’t.

Why did you save my son from life on the streets only to be hurt emotionally and sexually? How is he ever going to learn to trust you? He feels you are not there for him.

I prayed for you to protect him each day and comfort him in his sleep at night. He told me that he hears you in his dreams but when he wakes up you are not there and he feels so far away from you.

What can I do to love him more and show him that you do love him? How did Jesus know you still loved him when you turned your back on him while dying on the cross bearing all of sin?

You know God; you are the only one who truly understands how your love works. I need your Holy Spirit to help me understand it.

Even in the pain I will love you…I will trust you…I will praise you.

That’s all I know to do.


At this point in worship, I started singing and lifting my hand in praise and adoration to my God and my King my Papa God. In my desire to submit fully to God and show him how much I trust him and love him, I laid down with my face to the floor and my hands out stretched and fully embraced my God, exposing all of my fear and shame and sorrow. It was on my face that God washed me and took my fear, shame and sorrow away. I cried so hard and I was not ashamed. Then came the sweet rest. After resting a long time in his lap with my head on his shoulder, and all the tears were gone and the ache in my stomach was gone and pain in my heart was gone and my fear was gone, I got up and began praising Him in song. As I did, I closed my eyes and felt myself being swirled around and around and actually felt dizzy. But it was a happy place like being twirled around in a circle by my arms with complete abandon and no fear.

Awe, but the deep rest came when everyone prayed for me and my family.

God told me through a person’s prophesy that he was molding my son into the vessel He wants my son to be and that this period of trials and difficulty are part of the shaping process. Tender hands are gently shaping and molding the piece of clay. I was thankful for the tenderness, like the tender touches of the people praying for me.

Another person prayed and told me that when the molding process is done, God will fill my son with His anointing and this anointing will help to strengthen my marriage and ultimately strengthen our family bond.

Then the power of the Holy Spirit came over me and it was more than I could stand – literally. As I relinquished my body to Him, the Holy Spirit began to pray through me. When I got up I felt rested and safe and satisfied. After going home I was happy to see my children and husband. I was joyful and full of energy. As I sang my daughter to sleep, God’s Spirit continued to flow through me and lift my spirits.

All night long, I slept in complete peace. Each time I awoke in the night, I could hear “Oh how He loves you” being sung. The next day God began revealing the answers to my hard questions. While cooking breakfast, God revealed to me that my son was destined for heartache and had he stayed with his biological mother, not only would he be homeless, but orphaned as well and most likely drifting from foster home to foster home. At least with our family, he was in a safe place surrounded by people who love him and can support him.

Then God answered another question I’d been asking for a long time, “Why doesn’t my son have any real friends?” God’s answer: because, with all of his history as it is, the drama of friendships would have perpetuated the confusion causing him more pain and isolation. Right now, this is what he needs.

My family and I have entered a dark and difficult passage on our journey WITH God, but I know he has prepared us for the trip and will carry us all through the myriad of emotions and struggles that we will face in this healing process.

All praise and glory be to God!

Sunday, September 20, 2009


The more I seek God, the more I find Him in every area of my life. The following accounts are by no means an act of boasting on my part, for God deserves all the credit. Writing down what I notice God doing in my life and the lives of others IS Worshiping God!

This week I found God in a phone conversation with my cousin who's mother is very ill in the hospital. We talked for a long time about how God is using this situation to grow everyone involved, from the family and friends to the hospital staff. I physically felt her pain and sadness as we talked on the phone and I heard the Holy Spirit comfort her using words from my mouth. Sure I understood her fear and sorrow, but God knew what she needed to hear and prompted me to speak words of comfort to her. We prayed and rejoiced together in her sorrow and pain.

Later, when I spoke to her mother on the phone before her surgery, I prayed with her over the phone and felt my spirit leap in a surge of power connecting us together. She later came through the surgery just fine and is recuperating.

A couple of days later I had the privilege of hosting a friend and her children in my home for lunch. The children played well together for nearly 4 hours while she and I shared deeply from our hearts about our relationships with our husbands, children and God. It was my goal to encourage her and support her in her decision to take the restoration path in her marriage. I was surprised as God used her to confirm His working in my life and encourage me. I love the way God teaches us!

The end of my week culminated in a youth road trip to a conference that encouraged teens to rebel against low expectations set by society. God worked so intricately in the lives of all who went, that I am still trying to process it. The whole thing started by me purchasing a book I knew nothing about, but thought it looked like something my son needed to read. It was titled, "DO HARD THINGS" by Alex and Brett Harris. After reading the first two chapters, I got so excited about the topic that I went to their web site and discovered they had a conference being held only an 90 miles from us this month. I told my pastor about the book and gave him a copy. He read it and also got excited about it and the conference. So this past weekend, we took 7 teenagers to this conference. Everyone who attended the conference grew in someway. For me personally, I learned that God is working through me to touch other people in ways that I do not expect. The back splash of the Holy Spirit's touch lands on me too.

When the Holy Spirit visited the conference, and about 50 young people met Christ for the first time, they stood up individually before 2500 people and shouted "Jesus Christ is Lord!" It was very powerful and moving. Later, when they were still kneeling and praying near the staging area, I was walking among them and physically felt the presence of God so strong that tears streamed down my face. I saw one 13 year old boy talking to another teen boy and asked him if he could pray for him. He placed his hand on boy's shoulder and began praying. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I didn't need to. I watched them and when he finished praying, the other boy gave him a hug and they went separate ways. I was overcome with the power of compassion and love demonstrated before me between not only teenagers, but young men. I guess I was so amazed because my own 13 year old son, who attended the conference demonstrated the exact opposite behavior. He was selfish, rude, obstinate and the epitome of what society EXPECTS of teenagers. My heart was crushed by my son's behavior and soaring at the same time by the visitation of the Holy Spirit in that place.

The dichotomy of my heart and emotions was almost unbearable. As usual, when I am in need, God provided a helper. I went to the prayer room to be alone and pray and try to regain control of my emotions. There was one man in the room whom God used to help me process what was happening. God knows that when I talk about what is going on in my heart, I can make better since of it. After sharing my thoughts (as best as I could at the moment) he offered lots of encouragement and prayed with me as did the two women who later joined us. Then I went outside to get some fresh air and talk with God alone. When I returned to the last session an sat down next to my husband, I heard the speaker, who happened to be the father of the authors of the book, talking to the parents in the room about how to parent a rebelutionary. Just what I needed to hear to focus my energy toward an unconditional love for my son. It's possible, that my husband and I are training our son (and daughter) to become the leaders we will need to fulfill our mission in life. How we train them now, by including them as much as possible in our everyday lives will show them and teach them to be the Godly servants they are needed to be.

I want to love my children's company, but sometimes they are not so likable and it's easier to leave them behind (with a sitter) instead of letting them tag along. God it is my prayer that you continue to embed your wisdom into my heart causing an infusion of YOUR love to infiltrate my thinking, my feeling and my doing. Please share the same infusion with my husband that together we may be your instruments.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


It's been eight years, but the tragedy still stings my heart. As I stood in front of the television, watching it all again, the unbelievable shock reverberated through time bringing me to tears again.

The thought of what happened, why it happened and the injustice directed toward innocent people, both angered and saddened me. The pain and sorrow for the terrible loss experienced by the victims and survivors of the world trade towers devastation was more than I could bear, so I walked away to pray for those who feel that loss everyday and to pray for wisdom to make a difference now.

Something so terrible, so devastating, so out of my or anyone's control makes you realize just how vulnerable you really are, despite the mask we may wear. No matter how accomplished we become or how powerful, nothing is really in our control.

If mankind can do such terrible things to other people, imagine what God's fury and power must be like. Greater things than this God can do, has done and will do in the day of judgment.

Now is the time to seek God's forgiveness for sin. Now is the time to turn our focus on God. Let not the people, who died 8 years ago in the terrorists attacks, die in vein. Revenge is not the answer, repentance is the path to take.

In our journey back to God, reach out to those around you who are lost as to what to do or what direction to take with their lives. Look at them and SEE them. Hear them and LISTEN to them. Show them you've found the THE way to peace and comfort by investing in their lives. Tell them about the God of your universe and HIS desire to love and be loved by us.

1 Peter 3:8-17
8Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. 11He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. 12For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." 13Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." 15But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 17It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


Last week, I asked you some cryptic questions. Let's see if you figured it out. It wasn't really that hard, especially if you went to the source, 1 Corinthians chapter 2. Ok, here we go:
It's important to live on HS time.
This is a very true statement and good advise. Hard to implement sometimes, but still very good advise. To find out WHY it is important, continue reading.

What is HS time?
HS Time is HOLY SPIRIT time. The Apostle Paul, is telling the believers at Corinth, beginning in 1 Corinthians 2:6 that for those among them that are more mature believers, they can learn more about the "SECRET and HIDDEN" wisdom of God. However, the only way to understand this special wisdom, is only through God's spirit revealing it to us.
How do you tell HS time?
What do I get out of living on HS time?

To answer these questions, start reading 1 Corinthians. Specifically chapters 1 and 2 and come back next week with your own answers.