“So close, you’ll never let me go.”
“Time is in your hands, the beginning and the end.”
The day it was confirmed that my son has post-traumatic stress disorder because of sexual and emotional trauma that happened to him over the past 7 years, my heart began to break all over again and my spirit ached and the thought of all that he had been through made me want to vomit. The next day, I attended worship at church. I sat and listened, prayed and sang along. I talked to God very bluntly and honestly from my heart. I only blamed Satan for my son’s injustices, but I still needed to ask God a few hard questions.
Why God didn’t you protect my son? Why did he have to suffer even to this day? I know you know how it feels because you watched your son being tortured and killed. You had the power to stop it, but you didn’t.
Why did you save my son from life on the streets only to be hurt emotionally and sexually? How is he ever going to learn to trust you? He feels you are not there for him.
I prayed for you to protect him each day and comfort him in his sleep at night. He told me that he hears you in his dreams but when he wakes up you are not there and he feels so far away from you.
What can I do to love him more and show him that you do love him? How did Jesus know you still loved him when you turned your back on him while dying on the cross bearing all of sin?
You know God; you are the only one who truly understands how your love works. I need your Holy Spirit to help me understand it.
Even in the pain I will love you…I will trust you…I will praise you.
That’s all I know to do.
At this point in worship, I started singing and lifting my hand in praise and adoration to my God and my King my Papa God. In my desire to submit fully to God and show him how much I trust him and love him, I laid down with my face to the floor and my hands out stretched and fully embraced my God, exposing all of my fear and shame and sorrow. It was on my face that God washed me and took my fear, shame and sorrow away. I cried so hard and I was not ashamed. Then came the sweet rest. After resting a long time in his lap with my head on his shoulder, and all the tears were gone and the ache in my stomach was gone and pain in my heart was gone and my fear was gone, I got up and began praising Him in song. As I did, I closed my eyes and felt myself being swirled around and around and actually felt dizzy. But it was a happy place like being twirled around in a circle by my arms with complete abandon and no fear.
Awe, but the deep rest came when everyone prayed for me and my family.
God told me through a person’s prophesy that he was molding my son into the vessel He wants my son to be and that this period of trials and difficulty are part of the shaping process. Tender hands are gently shaping and molding the piece of clay. I was thankful for the tenderness, like the tender touches of the people praying for me.
Another person prayed and told me that when the molding process is done, God will fill my son with His anointing and this anointing will help to strengthen my marriage and ultimately strengthen our family bond.
Then the power of the Holy Spirit came over me and it was more than I could stand – literally. As I relinquished my body to Him, the Holy Spirit began to pray through me. When I got up I felt rested and safe and satisfied. After going home I was happy to see my children and husband. I was joyful and full of energy. As I sang my daughter to sleep, God’s Spirit continued to flow through me and lift my spirits.
All night long, I slept in complete peace. Each time I awoke in the night, I could hear “Oh how He loves you” being sung. The next day God began revealing the answers to my hard questions. While cooking breakfast, God revealed to me that my son was destined for heartache and had he stayed with his biological mother, not only would he be homeless, but orphaned as well and most likely drifting from foster home to foster home. At least with our family, he was in a safe place surrounded by people who love him and can support him.
Then God answered another question I’d been asking for a long time, “Why doesn’t my son have any real friends?” God’s answer: because, with all of his history as it is, the drama of friendships would have perpetuated the confusion causing him more pain and isolation. Right now, this is what he needs.
My family and I have entered a dark and difficult passage on our journey WITH God, but I know he has prepared us for the trip and will carry us all through the myriad of emotions and struggles that we will face in this healing process.
All praise and glory be to God!