HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS? WHERE IS HOME FOR YOU?

If you live long enough, you have the misfortune of "celebrating" holidays without a dear loved one who has passed away. No matter how hard you try to "keep tradition" it is never the same. Decorations can look the same, activities and people sound the same and sometimes even the food can taste the same, but something is always "not quite right."

I watched this happen to my mother after her parents died when I was a teenager. I couldn't understand the magnitude of her loss and the sadness that prevailed even though the rest of us tried so hard to make things cheerful for her.

Eight years ago, when my own mother passed away in November, I finally understood the depth of sadness she must have felt. My first holiday celebrations were basically ritualistic and void of any feelings. My family and I were consoled by friends and included in their celebrations or we broke tradition and did something totally different. Friends tried hard to make things better and joyous but I remember how empty it all seemed.

After that life changing event, I found myself trying to duplicate certain food dishes or experiences in an effort to reconnect with my mother and "home". I remember the year my daughter was born, and she was too young to travel 1,300 miles to see family. That Christmas, was the saddest Christmas of my whole life, even sadder than when my mother died. You see my husband and I waited 17 years to conceive this child (our oldest is adopted but loved as much as if he were born to us). I was sad because I had the best gift in the world and I couldn't share her with my family. Even more heart breaking, my daughter would never know her "Me-ma".

Recently, during our annual visit back to where my husband and I grew up, we visited with more than 80 relatives over a two week period. For my husband's mother, it was an especially sad Thanksgiving, as her sister had unexpectedly died just 7 weeks before. Her whole family would be gathering for Thanksgiving. For the siblings, husband and children who came and tried to "carry on as normal" it must have been difficult. It was comforting I'm sure for them to be with family, but painful at the same time. So many memories, so much fresh pain still lingering in their hearts. To top it all off, the woman who had died, would have celebrated her birthday that same weekend.

The death of a loved one changes you forever. Even knowing that those who have passed on before us are in heaven and we will see them some day, it is still difficult to move forward. It's like life just grabs you and drags you along. I can't imagine not knowing Jesus Christ and having the assurance of seeing them again.

A result of my recent maturity is knowing that my comfort is no longer found in the assurance I'll see my mother and other dead relatives again, it comes from knowing that Jesus is my brother, Lord and Savior - family. That home is heaven, not here on earth. My longing is not to see my loved ones who have passed on, but rather to see Jesus face to face for the first time. That is my longing.

Friends, family is valuable and an important gift from God, but our desire should always be to know intimately, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and the heart of God. If you have never really taken time to get to know Jesus, it's never to late. Spend some time with him today.

"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9:1-2

GLAD TO BE HOME

Hi readers. Sorry for no post last week. Holiday travel was starting to wear on me. I am still processing the wonderful, annual visit we had with family last month. We had nice long visits with nearly all of our extended families. I had a "Big Toe" reunion with my exclusive, four member "Big Toe" buddies. This was the first time we had all been together at the same time since college 20 years ago...gosh has it really been 20 years! I can't possibly be that old!


As much as I enjoyed renewing family ties, I was equally blessed by the reception I received from our neighbors and friends upon our return. Hugs were longer and tighter. Smiles were brighter. Appreciation was expressed repeatedly. My daughter is still begging to see her best friend again and again. My son's anticipation of seeing his "girlfriend" keeps mounting.


Home really is where your heart is. It's here in West Virginia and it's in Oklahoma too. My "Big Toe" buddies were surprised to hear me say "back in my home town" (referring to my WV home) when were were sitting in the town I grew up in. That place is where my family lives, but it isn't my "home" anymore. My heart is wherever God wants it to be. Where my heart is there my treasure will be also. My heart and home is right where I am (which ever state that may be in).


Thank you God for giving me such a wonderful gift of renewed relationships with family, friends and neighbors. May I never take any of them for granted or ignore them. Thank you for touching other lives through my presence in this world. May you continue to use me to touch others for you in spite of my sinful self. Thank you for helping me discern the value of relationships and for strengthening them through your bond of love.

Matthew 6:21 (NIV)

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

HEART OF GOD...MOTHER’S DAY

This past Mother’s Day started out like any other Sunday morning except my husband and I got to enjoy a quiet breakfast together before the kids got up. When my teenage son finally got up, the harmony in the house came to a screaming halt when he and my preschool daughter attempted to fix themselves cereal for breakfast. To my son’s defense, he was not totally at fault, my daughter gets upset easily when people try to do things for her and it just so happens that my son feels it necessary to dominate her and “help” her too much.

I tried to let it go and have them work out the problem, but the yelling and screaming quickly became unbearable. I gave a rather loud mini sermon about how they both should behave and asked that they try to get along today for me, since it was Mother’s Day. I hated that I allowed myself to get all worked up so I took a walk to calm down.

I walked and talked with God, and cried on his shoulder. “You want me to trust you God and learn to be loved by others, but how can I do that when I get hurt most of the time? All I want God is a family that can function without me if necessary. I want a husband who can take charge and handle emotionally exploding children when necessary. I want children who respect their parents and each other. I want maturity in a family. I’m tired of being needed all the time to put out the same immature ‘fire’ every day. God I want my heart to be right with you now so that I can go to church and worship freely. Please forgive me for being so angry and selfish.”

Upon arriving at church, 20 minutes late, I discovered that one of our worship team members who usually has to work on Sundays, was there and was singing. I was so glad to see her. In fact, I thought, I don’t have to sing today, but something kept pulling me that direction. My daughter even begged to go sing with the team, so I took my place on the stage. However, the longer I sang in practice, the heavier and heavier my heart became and even my face felt like it was on the floor. The thought kept running through my mind that I was not supposed to be singing with the team that day.

Finally, when we got to the last practice song, God of Miracles my heart finally began to soften to God’s voice. Just like during practice when we sang that song, I cried all the way through it. I agreed not to sing during the service, but I was puzzled as to why I was so emotional. As I tried to calm myself down, I told God that if this emotional break down was caused by an evil spirit, please Lord you rebuke it and send it away, but if it is from you God, please open my understanding to what you want me to learn from it.

After worship began, I started to just listen to the music and write. Here is what God laid on my heart: (words in italics are words to the song, “God of Miracles”)

God of Miracles

God who makes me whole

I will worship you

My soul longs for you

My soul longs for you

Trust, loving others,

Expectations – Disappointment

Painful let down

Do I dare ask God for more?

More from my family?

More from myself?

More from God?

It’s you who heals and forgives

Jesus I believe.

What do I need to learn from you today God?

My Soul longs for you!

God replied to me:

Take your eyes off of temporal things. It’s not about your family and how they serve you. What about Me? How are you serving Me? Where is your heart and attitude? What you want for yourself, is what I want from you!

I want to know that you can carry on in the power I have entrusted you with. I am pouring myself into you. What are you doing with it? Be a good steward of what I’ve given you. Are you just storing it?

STOP STORING AND START USING THE SPIRIT IN YOU!

My Reply to God:

I thought I was using the Spirit in my soul. I’m sorry God. Help me to understand what you want. I want to go beyond the elementary teachings of Christ. I want to apply your principles to everything I do.

You love my affection, but you really want me to live my life honorably, to make you proud. Just like I love my son and his hugs, but I’d rather he live his life honorably to make me proud of who is becoming.

You want me to stop complaining, stop arguing and start being mature in my faith. What does this maturity look like God? Actions? Attitude?

Help me metabolize your word and make it part of my being so that I will recognize you in my actions and attitude. Be of the mind of Christ, put on the armor of God.

“But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.

Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instructions about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits.” Hebrews 5:14-6:3

God, I wanted a family that could just get along. One that could sustain itself in my absence. I want each person to stand up and do their job and stop clinging to me to do everything for them.

God, is the sorrow and pain I felt on this day because of my family’s actions, the same sorrow and pain you feel for us, your children, because we are not fulfilling the plan you have for us? You want to accomplish something here on earth, but we are your dysfunctional family. You are teaching me about you through my own eyes. I am feeling some of what you are feeling.

The heart of Christ. The mind of Christ. The love of Christ.

Thanks God for speaking to me and answering my prayers today, just when I needed them answered most.

Your recovering dysfunctional daughter