This past Mother’s Day started out like any other Sunday morning except my husband and I got to enjoy a quiet breakfast together before the kids got up. When my teenage son finally got up, the harmony in the house came to a screaming halt when he and my preschool daughter attempted to fix themselves cereal for breakfast. To my son’s defense, he was not totally at fault, my daughter gets upset easily when people try to do things for her and it just so happens that my son feels it necessary to dominate her and “help” her too much.
I tried to let it go and have them work out the problem, but the yelling and screaming quickly became unbearable. I gave a rather loud mini sermon about how they both should behave and asked that they try to get along today for me, since it was Mother’s Day. I hated that I allowed myself to get all worked up so I took a walk to calm down.
I walked and talked with God, and cried on his shoulder. “You want me to trust you God and learn to be loved by others, but how can I do that when I get hurt most of the time? All I want God is a family that can function without me if necessary. I want a husband who can take charge and handle emotionally exploding children when necessary. I want children who respect their parents and each other. I want maturity in a family. I’m tired of being needed all the time to put out the same immature ‘fire’ every day. God I want my heart to be right with you now so that I can go to church and worship freely. Please forgive me for being so angry and selfish.”
Upon arriving at church, 20 minutes late, I discovered that one of our worship team members who usually has to work on Sundays, was there and was singing. I was so glad to see her. In fact, I thought, I don’t have to sing today, but something kept pulling me that direction. My daughter even begged to go sing with the team, so I took my place on the stage. However, the longer I sang in practice, the heavier and heavier my heart became and even my face felt like it was on the floor. The thought kept running through my mind that I was not supposed to be singing with the team that day.
Finally, when we got to the last practice song, God of Miracles my heart finally began to soften to God’s voice. Just like during practice when we sang that song, I cried all the way through it. I agreed not to sing during the service, but I was puzzled as to why I was so emotional. As I tried to calm myself down, I told God that if this emotional break down was caused by an evil spirit, please Lord you rebuke it and send it away, but if it is from you God, please open my understanding to what you want me to learn from it.
After worship began, I started to just listen to the music and write. Here is what God laid on my heart: (words in italics are words to the song, “God of Miracles”)
God of Miracles
God who makes me whole
I will worship you
My soul longs for you
My soul longs for you
Trust, loving others,
Expectations – Disappointment
Painful let down
Do I dare ask God for more?
More from my family?
More from myself?
More from God?
It’s you who heals and forgives
Jesus I believe.
What do I need to learn from you today God?
My Soul longs for you!
God replied to me:
Take your eyes off of temporal things. It’s not about your family and how they serve you. What about Me? How are you serving Me? Where is your heart and attitude? What you want for yourself, is what I want from you!
I want to know that you can carry on in the power I have entrusted you with. I am pouring myself into you. What are you doing with it? Be a good steward of what I’ve given you. Are you just storing it?
STOP STORING AND START USING THE SPIRIT IN YOU!
My Reply to God:
I thought I was using the Spirit in my soul. I’m sorry God. Help me to understand what you want. I want to go beyond the elementary teachings of Christ. I want to apply your principles to everything I do.
You love my affection, but you really want me to live my life honorably, to make you proud. Just like I love my son and his hugs, but I’d rather he live his life honorably to make me proud of who is becoming.
You want me to stop complaining, stop arguing and start being mature in my faith. What does this maturity look like God? Actions? Attitude?
Help me metabolize your word and make it part of my being so that I will recognize you in my actions and attitude. Be of the mind of Christ, put on the armor of God.
“But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.
Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instructions about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits.” Hebrews 5:14-6:3
God, I wanted a family that could just get along. One that could sustain itself in my absence. I want each person to stand up and do their job and stop clinging to me to do everything for them.
God, is the sorrow and pain I felt on this day because of my family’s actions, the same sorrow and pain you feel for us, your children, because we are not fulfilling the plan you have for us? You want to accomplish something here on earth, but we are your dysfunctional family. You are teaching me about you through my own eyes. I am feeling some of what you are feeling.
The heart of Christ. The mind of Christ. The love of Christ.
Thanks God for speaking to me and answering my prayers today, just when I needed them answered most.
Your recovering dysfunctional daughter
