INDESCRIBABLE

Well, it’s been a while since I used my “pen” to process difficult stuff in my life, yet here I am in a really tough place. My husband and I, along with a wonderful Christian therapist, are helping our teenage son heal from sexual abuse that has been locked away in his past. He is doing really well, but the fallout from this kind of abuse is very deep, multilayered and complicated by characteristics associated with Asperger Syndrome, which means his perception of reality isn’t always accurate.

I am happy to say that I don’t feel like I am “in this tough place AGAIN”. I used to think “why me?” “Why do crummy things always happen to me?” I used to feel like God was punishing me or that I was punishing myself for disobedient spiritual behavior. I do not think like that anymore.

I AM FREE!

I am free from the guilt trip and self bashing. I am free to embrace my hurt and pain and receive God’s love through it. It is a totally different mind set and perspective to my situation.

There IS hope.

There IS love.

There IS direction.

No, the problem hasn’t gone away, on the contrary, it seems to be getting worse, yet I feel God’s love and power stronger than ever. I don’t feel out of control even though I have no control over this horrific problem.

There is no despair,

only COMFORT for the pain…yes there is still pain.

There is no anxiety of hopelessness,

only ASSURANCE that answers will come and JOY will return.

This is the most incredible state of being I have ever been in.

My pain is real.

My hurt is huge.

And yes, I have cried about it and feel sorrow,

BUT

God has flooded my heart with

INDESCRIBABLE LOVE.

COMFORT and

OVERWHELMING PEACE.

Friends, what is your relationship with God like? When you are totally surrendered to him, Satan has no hold on you. It doesn't mean your problems will go away. On the contrary, they may increase, however, you will not feel defeated or beat down. You will be strong and empowered...but not because of anything you do. All because of the power of the Holy Spirit. Anyone can have this peace that passes all understanding, God makes it available to everyone who seeks it and claims it.

Seize it!

"For God shows no partiality."

Romans 2:11 (ESV)

(Bible Gateway.com)

RELATIONSHIPS THINKING OUT LOUD Part 2

Here are my thoughts (blue) and the thoughts of my friend Carol (green). Reading these thoughts that were written a couple of weeks ago is encouraging to me because God has been and continues to walk with me through all of my relationships. The main take away from all of this thinking is that God wants to be number one. "No other gods (or relationships) before me". God told that to the Israelites in the book of Exodus. My loyalty and allegiance is to God first. When His love abounds in my heart, He is then able to love through me in all of my other relationships, marriage, parenting, friendships, work, neighbors, acquaintances and strangers. It is my hearts desire to freely allow God to love my husband through me, to love my children through me, to love my friends and...well you get the picture. Not my love...His love.

How does your relationship with the ones you love reflect your relationship with the lover of all…God?

When God’s love reigns in my heart then the ability to love unconditionally rules the relationship. But what about the different types of love mentioned in the Bible?

There are three types of love mentioned in the Bible. 1. agape (unconditional love) 2. eros (sexual love) 3. PHILEO
(brotherly love or personal affection and it expects a return.)

Jesus loves everyone with "agape" love, and He tells us to have "agape" love towards everyone. (It's pronounced A-gop-a)

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_different_types_of_love_does_the_bible_mention

What happens when you loose eros toward a spouse but you still agape them? Is intimacy with a spouse connected to intimacy with God? We are made in the image of God and he designed our bodies. If my intimacy with God has increased and grown deeper, why does my intimacy with my spouse seem to be growing weaker? According to the triangle model of relationships if the man and the woman are at the bottom of the triangle and God is at the top, then as BOTH partners advance toward God, they also naturally come closer to each other. If one spouse’s relationship advances toward God and the other one doesn’t, then they remain apart until the other spouse “catches up.”

This is a dangerous place for the enemy to step in and create doubt of love for each other, anger, hatred and possibly separation. Christian couples need to guard their hearts and their marriage.

This would be where the servant heart comes into play and the agape love takes over.

How does your relationship with God, influence your relationship with those you love? Most of the time, my relationships with those I love becomes richer because of my relationship with God. I am more compassionate and sensitive to their needs and hurts.

Do you separate your spiritual relationships and physical relationships? I think the ability to love at all in any form is a spiritual thing and it is impossible to separate spiritual from physical. I believe one motive is dominate over the other. It is our choice as to which one rules our lives.

Is there a need to separate spiritual and physical relationships, or can one love spiritually and physically at the same time?

What is a healthy way to make positive changes in a relationship? Positive change usually occurs successfully when you take time to listen to and understand the other person/group that you want to make changes with. The only change you can actually make is of yourself. Others must make their own changes, but you can influence their choice to change. Collaboration is a good technique for groups and one-on-one. Positive feedback to the other person or persons creates an environment conducive to positive change.

When is it time (if ever) to sever a relationship? How can you know if you should hang on and never let go of a relationship with a loved one?

The commitment made to the other person or group determines the need for ending a relationship. Some relationships are temporary and when the goal of that relationship is met, then the relationship usually ends. However, if a lifetime commitment is made between two individuals or an individual and a group, then all avenues of reconciliation and restitution should be made before considering severing a relationship. If a relationship is not safe, then the person in danger has every right to protect themselves and remove themselves from the danger before cautiously seeking reconciliation. Only the unconditional love of God could allow me to love someone who wants to hurt me.

Here are my thoughts: Without a relationship with God, there cannot be unconditional love toward a spouse. We don’t’ know what it looks like, feels like, tastes like, or smells like. We can only give our human best to attempt to love. Once we KNOW God, and have experienced His unconditional love, then we are REQUIRED to love in that manner, EVERY man, not just the ones we have great personal relationships with. That means the teenager that cut you off, the old man that cussed you out, the cashier who short changed you, the boss who torments you, the newspaper delivery boy who daily tosses your paper in the bushes or on the roof, the hateful mother-in-law, and on goes the list. By practicing unconditional love, expecting nothing in return, we are daily growing in the grace, knowledge and image of God. Once we KNOW God, we are more acutely aware that love is a choice, and there really is only one choice to make, the same one Christ made for me. Carol

MY ADOPTION STORY

In December of 1995, my husband and I made the tough decision to stop our four year pursuit of infertility treatments and seek adoption options to start our family. I recall the exact phrase I said to my husband, “There is already a baby boy or girl out there who needs us to be his or her parents.” I began praying that night for God to open up the doors of adoption.

Before I even knew my son really existed, I started loving him. I loved him before I met him. I loved him when I finally did meet him face to face. I continued loving him even when circumstances prevented him from living in my home and he went to live with another family for six months. I still loved him when we were reunited and my love grew for him when he finally started living in my home. For two years, our relationship grew and my love for him grew but he wasn’t really “mine”. Finally, on April 15, 1998, the little baby boy I had grown attached to became MY SON! Forever! My love for him never stopped in fact, it only grew bigger and stronger. Now ten years later, I love him more than ever before.

My adoption story is very similar to that story and one that is actually shared with many people reading this story. Before I was even born in March in the early 60's, someone loved me. He loved me before we met. He loved me when I got older and finally did meet him. He continued loving me even when I chose not to be associated with him and went away for a while. He loved me when we were reunited some years later. I spent time with him getting to know him more and finally, on March 26, 1976, at the age of 12, he adopted me into his family at my request and I became the daughter of the King. God is my adopted father and our love for each other has grown through out my life.

God knew you and loved you even before you were born. He loved you before he met you. He loved you even when you knew about him and chose to go another way. He loves you still today and if you will choose to seek a relationship with him, you too can become a daughter or son of the King. As all adoptions require a choice to be made, you must make the choice to be God’s child, he will not force it upon you. However, I can tell you, as someone who has lived in God’s family for 33 years, there is no better place to be. I have a constant companion to help me through tough times, unconditional love…even when I really screw up, a family history book and teacher to help me make my life better and more meaningful, tons of brothers and sisters to keep me company and give me encouragement, and best of all the assurance of living forever in a perfect place with my adopted Father.

There is always room in my family for more sons and daughters. If you are interested in being part of my adopted family, stop looking in other places for this acceptance and start looking to God. He’s the only one who can make it happen. Best of all, he is waiting for you. He knows you are coming and he loves you very much. Now is a good time to complete your adoption story. Just stop and talk to God and tell him you’re sorry for letting sin take over your life. Ask him to forgive you and rest in his strong arms of love. If you want, I will introduce you to Him.

After you've had time to think about this some more you may have some questions, feel free to email me seekingmoreinfo@gmail.com or leave a comment below. Here are some things God would want you to know about being adopted into his family:

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
How I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day."
Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.
John 3:16-18 (The Message)

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,”
Romans 3:23-24 (RSV)

“How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.”
Ephesians 1:4-6 (The Message)

THE LETTER

When I was a little girl, about 3 years old, my daddy worked in Vietnam as a civilian on American aircraft, because it was good money. It kept him away from his family – me, my two older brothers and my mom, but he was able to provide for his family. I remember my daddy would send me gifts in the mail and letters telling me how much he loved me and for me to be a big girl for mommy. I still remember this one particular letter he wrote. It was on very thin, delicate stationary with pretty flowers on it. I remember the international envelope it came in with all the postmarks on the front. Since I was too young to read, my mother would read it for me. Every time she would start reading, she would have to stop because it would make me cry. I missed him so much. I was just a tiny girl. How could I have loved him so much? My mother was very good to me and my brothers. She always made sure all our needs were met. She poured herself into us during the time my daddy was away. I loved my mother just as much as my daddy, but he wasn’t there and I needed him emotionally to make my life complete.

This weekend at our ladies retreat, there was a letter address to each of us lying on our pillow. I knew what it was because my husband had let the cat out of the bag last Sunday, by apologizing for not writing me a note. I encouraged him to try anyway and then forgot about it. After our icebreaker activity, during our break, I went to my bedroom and read my letter. I know my husband wrote it because he said he loved me "more than chicken nuggets." That is an expression my son coined when he was only 3 years old (for he absolutely loved chicken nuggets...and still does) and has been a statement of just how big our love is for each other. Everytime I took out the letter to read during the retreat, I was overcome with emotion, just like when my mother used to read my daddy's letter to me. My husband wrote such a simple love letter to me, but he hardly ever writes me love letters or even sends me cards, so this was a real shocker. I immediately thought about my daddy’s “love” letter to me when I was three years old. I felt like that little girl again, unable to take in just how much someone would love me.

Why God is that so scary for me? Is my whole concept of love based upon the love of the two most important men in my life? Why does so much rest on those relationships? An even bigger why is WHY is it difficult for me? I still have a loving relationship with my father who eventually came home to live with us and he and my mother became Christians and raised me and my brothers in a Christian home. I have always felt love and acceptance from my father and allowed him to do things for me…but as a young adult and now a middle aged adult, I still find it hard to accept other people’s love for me…including yours God. I’m getting better at it, but to actually become vulnerable and rest in someone’s love is very difficult. I have spent the past 20+ years becoming self sufficient and not dependant upon others for my needs, for the sheer frustration of always being disappointed.

Now this letter from my husband expressing his love for me and acknowledging what is important to me, a deeper walk with you God, is exactly what I’ve been praying for and it melts my heart. I've never heard him express his gratitude and love toward me like he did in that letter. It takes two people to "hear", one to express and one to receive. Perhaps I have not been receiving what he's been saying to me these past 21 years. But even more than the expression of love, he goes on to tell me what his hope is for me during this retreat which tells me he cares about what I care about, a deeper relationship with God. He truly connected with me on all levels. I am so lucky and blessed. How God, how do I embrace this kind of unconditional love? How do I take the clothes off of my defense system and just be loved…by my husband and by you?

God the other night you laid me down and poured your love all over my body and soul. Your peaceful yet powerful, healing Spirit, cooled and soothed my aching body and soul. You released me from the grip of pain in my neck and back. Allowing myself to be completely at rest in your arms was a step toward deeper intimacy with you, God. I am learning to be still and let you love me. Thank you for breaking the yoke of self sufficiency. Please continue to teach me to depend upon you for all of my needs…not just my spiritual ones, but my physical and emotional ones too. Dependence upon you is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Thank you God for wooing me and going slowly with me, for I am still that little girl who loves and misses her daddy…even if YOU haven’t gone anywhere.

I’m ready to grow up Papa God. I’m ready to move on to the next level in our relationship. Let me hold your hand and walk with you. Don’t let me wonder too far anymore. Keep me close by. Show me again how to dance with you and be joyful.

“My beloved speaks and says to me, “Arise, my love, my beautiful one. And come away, for behold the winter is past the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.”

Song of Solomon 2:10-12