THE SECRET HEART

God you want to lay the foundation of praise in the depth of my spirit. I am so unfamiliar with that area of my life that I am afraid of what is there. I want you to come deeper and lay that foundation. I want to praise you from my soul. I can fill your glory trying to emerge and it rolls and shakes my internal structure like an earthquake. Will I be able to survive the climax?

There is still something preventing this power from emerging. I’m afraid of the change that will take place. I will be out of control – again.

All to Jesus I surrender.

All to him I freely give.

I will ever love and trust him,

In his presence daily live.

I surrender all

I surrender all

All thee my blessed Savior

I surrender all

God you have freed me from so much; depression, despair, loneliness, selfishness, dependency, and self sufficiency. What stands in the way now?

PRIDE? FEAR?

Pastor Tim said “Love opens yourself up to be loved or be hurt.” This I know from experience, but how do I know it? What has happened in my life to prevent me from trusting and opening up? Perhaps it’s not a past experience that presses down on my spirit but rather a perception.

I am afraid to be out of control. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want others to see me fail. I am a people pleaser God. As much as I despise admitting to it, my fear of what others are going to think really does prevent me from giving you full reign in my life.

I feel as though there is a terrible war being fought in my inner being. One force is pushing up and one is pushing down. It has emotional and physical side effects yet is beyond my comprehension or understanding. For years I have felt as if I was suffocating and while the oppression in my live is much less than before, I still find myself taking deep breaths wishing to purge my spirit of the bile that lurks in the dark corners of my heart.

As the Psalmist David cried so do I cry:

Have mercy on me, O God,

According to your steadfast love;

According to your abundant mercy

Blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity

And cleanse me from my sin!

For I know my transgressions,

And my sin is ever before me.

Against you, you only, have I sinned

And done what is evil in your sight,

So that you may be justified in your words

And blameless in your judgment.

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,

And you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;

Let the bones that you have broken rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins,

And blot out all my iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

And take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

And uphold me with a willing spirit.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

And sinners will return to you.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation,

And my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips

And my mouth will declare your praise.

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;

You will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Psalm 51: 1-17 (ESV)

God, thank you for telling me about my secret heart the one that is crying out to be heard by you and only you. I accept your deliverance from the guilt of my past and present that prevents your spirit from praising you. Let my tongue sing aloud praises of your righteousness, open my lips and fill my mouth with your praise. You want to hear it, I want to give it, shatter the pride that mocks your reign in my life. I want this because it is your spirit pleading with me to let him express himself. It doesn’t matter to me if I speak some language I can’t understand or not, I just want that intimate communion and closeness with you, God. I seek to please you God, lover of my soul.

Opening up this communication between the Holy Spirit, my spirit and you O God, will deepen my relationship with you and enhance my relationships with my family and friends. I seek to be pure and blameless among my Christian sisters and brothers as we await the return of Christ to take his bride home.

Praise be to God!

I am pleased to say that since this post was orginally written 11 months ago, God has answered my prayer and I have enjoyed a sweet, sweet, intimate connection with God through the Holy Spirit that has carried my relationship with God to new depths. Today, however, God brought me back to this scripture during my quiet time and I was reminded that, like all relationships, the depth of intimacy is a like a spiral. As I spiral through my family and friend relationships and spiritual relationship with God, there is always more depth to them. The deeper involved I become with my family, friends and God, the less control I have and the more I understand those whom I connect with.

I am still on a quest to become more like Christ.